Hit Certificates

Hit Certificates

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Normally, I try to stay away from political polemics on the 'Let's Talk' page of my website, but since abortion is a moral issue and not a political one, this bit of news about abortion's most notable organization warrants mention.
This year the abortion provider, Planned Parenthood, has joined in with many others who wish to take a more serious attitude toward the Christmas spirit of giving, Christmas being the celebration of the birth of Christ – that was the birth of Christ.
At the entering of our Lord into the world, some may recall the wise men of the Bible came to see the new Savior of the world. And in appreciation of God's love for fallen man, they brought gifts for the baby Jesus. We in the west have a tradition of following that tradition by the giving of gifts in recognition and remembrance of those gifts given to the King of kings, Jesus Christ.
This year, Planned Parenthood has done the same.
They are announcing that they now have gift certificates that you can give to that special someone, that certain woman in your life whom you cherish so much. You can show her how much you truly care for her by giving her a gift certificate for the elimination of that dastardly "Product of conception." That's right boys and girls, you can give your wife or girlfriend a little slip of paper that will take the life that little tiny inconvenience that so dampens your free and easy lifestyle in the form of ... Abortion gift certificates.
However, for purposes of accuracy, they might want to think about a name change. In the place of Gift Certificate, how about, Hit certificate? It's catchy, it's quaint, and it better reflects the concept and intended result. After all, it isn't much different than putting hit out on someone, is it? John Gotti would have a piece of paper that he gives to a hit man to eliminate someone. Planned Parenthood does the same thing (well, almost. A tiny little baby is a much easier target than a rival mob boss). A forty seven year old literature professor now can give a slip of paper to his nineteen-year-old mesmerized student, which she can use to put a hit out on the May-December couple's baby son or daughter.
How about this for a spot on prime time television programming:

A young woman and her bald Humanities professor are sitting there on Christmas morning in his two bedroom flat he got from the divorce settlement (the ex and his twenty-two year old daughter got the house), the wrapping paper laying all around them, maybe a new necklace around her neck, him with a shiny new gold plated, Zircon studded hair band tied around his gray and white ponytail. He hands her an extra present – a card in an envelope. With bated breath, she opens it. On the card is a poem in silver script, non-rhyming, written by him of course, using her name three times and his name twice. And right along with it, a lovely little cheque sized certificate worth a hundred dollars towards an abortion credit, erasing that little inconvenience that resulted from a spur of the moment lapse of discretion.
"Oh, thank you, sweetie," she says, beaming with joy as a tear slowly makes its way down her blushing, innocent cheek. "How thoughtful."
"You're welcomed, my little dove," he replies, flashing her his pearly upper plate. "Since we only have the home test to go by, I didn't know whether to get the pink or the blue, so I just picked one." He grins with pride as he watches his A+ average undergrad. "I guess it's about 50-50," he says with a chuckle, and they both enjoy a moment of shared Holiday mirth, laughing together at his clever little joke.
If one has a personal preference as to procedure, perhaps the certificates could specify in bold lettering what particular procedure will be used. The E-brochure on Planned Parenthood's website might read something like this:

Many procedures are available. Dilation and Curettage or D&C, which is chopping that little thumb-sucking guy into pieces and scraping him out of the womb.
Maybe burning him to death with a saline mixture is more your style.
Poisoning is very popular nowadays, what with our modern day sophisticated aversion to cruelty and intolerance of violence. With poisoning, a concentrated salt solution is used in which the infant breathes and swallows the toxicant, struggles, sometimes convulses, then all is quiet and you simply deliver a dead baby. Keep in mind, this procedure can be somewhat of a nuisance as it sometimes takes up to an hour for the little munchkin to finally die.
If the tiny tyke is in the eighth ore ninth month of his life, you could ask for the D&X method, otherwise known as Partial Birth Abortion. In this procedure, that cute little hairless head of his is pierced, his tiny little baby brains are sucked out and voila – problem solved. All of these and others are available at your local abortion mill, courtesy of your friends at Planned Parenthood.
Hurry now, the Holidays are almost upon us. Don't let the Christmas season catch you without a back-up plan for that pesky little parturient predicament.
The certificates come in increments of $25, $50, $75, and $100. They're convenient, attractive, and they make great stocking stuffers.

This should be the rightful temperament of Planned Parenthood's advertisement if in fact having an abortion is nothing more than the removal of merely a, "Product of conception." If the "Product of conception" is in fact, a baby, then these Gift Certificates are a testament of Planned Parenthood's unfathomable lust for innocent blood.
I suppose one good thing comes from the existence of such organizations like Planned Parenthood, NARAL (national abortion rights action league), and other abortion workers and supporters: Hitler will have someone to keep him company in hell.

Keck