Tuesday, March 6, 2007
There are tow kinds of men: Outlaws and Bankers. The Outlaws are dangerous. The Bankers, dependable. Allow me to address this column to the ladies, for it is them that will benefit from what follows.
I’m not exactly sure why, but all women, Sugar Maple and Savage Siren alike get a certain flutter in the tummy when they encounter an Outlaw. Both are at risk, but it’s the Sirens that are the most vulnerable. The Maples seem to have a stronger immune system when it comes to Outlaws than do the Sirens.
With regard to the Outlaw, here are some things to watch out for: A seductive and forward gaze. Be on the lookout for his eyes to brazenly roam from your face, downward with an unmistakable glint, over your body, then back up again without so much as a hint of reticence. You might get a smile, or you might get simply a warm glow with just a hint of smile potential. But the glint will be obvious and never leave. And he will be more likely to allow his eyes far greater below-the-chin time than the Banker.
When he gets angry, expect some violence. I don’t mean you have worry about actual beatings, those aren’t Outlaws, they’re scum. In fact, Outlaws usually kick the hell out of those kinds of guys for such behavior towards a woman. But if you piss them off, and it’s egregious enough, you just might get a calculated and controlled slap across the face.
And it’s not only you. An Outlaw tends to break stuff when he’s mad at anything. He’ll slam a drawer, kick a door off of its hinges, or when necessary, he might even send a small appliance across the room in an effort to adjust a faulty mechanism.
And DO NOT cheat on him! If you do, you might or might not get a black eye, but you will probably have to talk to him through a bulletproof glass on Tuesdays and Thursdays because he has beaten your lover to death.
He may hail a waitress by whistling at her, and his sexual techniques tend to be a bit on the rough side.
Now to the Banker. They are really very nice, sweet guys. They are respectful and gentlemanly. If their eyes drop from your face to your body, it will most likely be an accident, and they will turn quickly away in an effort to cover the mistake. When a Banker gets angry, there is really not much to fear. He usually won’t resort to violent outbursts, and he will never, never, and I mean NEVER! hit you. He’ll be very attentive to you. He’ll fix your car, sometimes when nothing is wrong with it. Note: An Outlaw will fix your car too, but usually after he and his buddies have borrowed it and busted the driveshaft.
DO NOT cheat on a Banker. If you do, you may have to visit him at Forrest Lawn with a fresh bundle of flowers.
He will show respect for you at all times, and he’ll be concerned rather than irritated when you cry. Note: An Outlaw will be irritated when you cry.
A Banker will absolutely, positively NEVER whistle at a waitress, and his sexual techniques are loving, gentle and caring. Note: be prepared - after sex, he may cry.
An Outlaw will burrow money from you. A Banker will pay your bills.
An Outlaw will check out your hot friends, all the time thinking he’s being sly enough about it that you don’t notice. A Banker won’t even know they exist.
An Outlaw will fantasize about doing terrible things to your cat. A Banker will take care of it for you when you’re away.
An Outlaw will never remember your birthday. A Banker will never forget it, even after you’ve broken up with him.
You have a about a 50 percent chance that an Outlaw will hit on your sister. You have about a 5-10 percent chance that a Banker will hit on your brother. Provided your sister isn‘t a Siren, you have no worries there.
So which is better? Outlaws or Bankers. Who knows. With one you get thrills, but in the long run, it just might cost you your happiness, maybe even your sanity. With the other, you get a good retirement plan, children, a twenty-five hundred square-foot house, plenty of life insurance and security.
So for all you Savage Sirens and Sugar Maples, know your men, and don’t try on anything that’s too big for you.
Keck
