A Gentleman’s etiquette

A Gentleman’s etiquette

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Gentlemen. That's what women call imaginary men. Now don't get me wrong, there are guys who may be what we regard as true gentlemen, but they are few and far between.
Just ask a woman.
But I don't want to dwell on the question of if real gentlemen exist, or whether or not the practices have all but disappeared, what I want to talk about this week is just how those gentlemanly practices were created. Most think it's because of some high minded, gallant sense of conduct for the respectable and honorable male.
Far from it.
You may not know it, but the elite and admirable etiquette that brought about the many aspects of a gentleman's conduct came from the male's assiduous desire to gain as much carnal information on the female of our species as he can. It's true. Think about it. Are 19th century Southern men any less wolfish than any other men? Are those XY'ed members of the English aristocracy somehow deficient in the libido department than those in the American military? Are they any more inured by the female form than the rest of us?
Much to the dismay of the Evolutionists, the DNA of the human being is the same as it was from the beginning. People are people, women are women, and men are men.
So if I'm correct in my assessment so far, then gentlemen are essentially nothing more than the latter part of that compound word – gentlemen – men being the key word. And, if men, then guys. And if guys, then of course slavering, leering, lecherous, lip-smacking, skirt-chasing, hounds.
To prove my point let me illustrate with a few examples.
A particular practice of the gentleman is to hold the door open for a woman as she enters a restaurant or place of business allowing her to go ahead of him. We men have all done this at one time or another, even a low-life, white trash bastard like myself. This is considered one of the many acts known to the 'Gentleman.' Many think the motivation for this is simply an altruistic consideration and concern for the frailty of the woman. I don't mean to vitiate that notion, but let us not forget that when a man does such a kind act, a by product of it is an unaware and unobstructed view of the woman's ass as it swings from side to side in that oh so nicely feminine way. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Another such show of masculine bravado is to help a woman on with her coat, jacket, or sweater. How, you may say, could there be any sordid, sleazy, or otherwise dirty minded intention in that? Again, we have the woman at a clear and wonderful disadvantage. She can't see us. We are behind her, and therefore she is usually, if we observe proper stealth, completely oblivious to the time honored technique of leaning forward to smell the soft, sweet, aromatic flesh of her neck (also, depending on neckline, this particular move allows those of us who are in the tall category to peer over her shoulder for a unique and more revealing view of her accoutrements).
The final, and some (men) would say pinnacle, of such tried and true devices in the stratagem of the 'Gentleman' is the ever rare but coveted, Opening the car door and helping the lady in and out of the vehicle. It is one of the most admired of gentlemanly qualities by the women and, as it happens, possibly the most rewarding of tactics for the men. All but the most highly skilled and technically advanced female will be able to guard against an 'out of the ballpark home run' on this one, depending of course on chassis ground clearance and skirt length. Yes, I'm talking about that elusive but delectable panty shot. But caution must be used with this one. The after effects can be troublesome and lasting. In the event that he is successful in his endeavor, the 'Gentleman' may experience disorientation, lightheadedness, a shortness of breath, cold sweats, and an uncontrollable watering of the mouth.
But it's worth it – trust me!
So there you go. The true etiquette and origin of the conduct of the Gentleman.
Overall, I think it's a pretty good system. We want to fool women, and they want to be fooled. In a strange and mysterious way, God, in His infinite wisdom, has made it so that these things keep the natural order of life flowing in a rhythmic dance of inter-gender reciprocity.
The Sun rises, the wind blows, women allow for the tricks of men, and all is well in the Universe.

Keck