I started on another topic for this article, but I was moved to change my mind and talk about another subject: The superiority of Americans. I’m not joking. We really are superior. No question.

   What made me think of this is the fine foreign gentleman just to my left. I am sitting in a coffee house, I won’t say which one, but it’s one that has genuine leather lounge chairs, tables, a fireplace, network news on a plasma 46” screen TV, and a couple of sofa’s for the comfort of their college students as well as their uneducated patrons. Being in the U.S., most of those patrons and college students are Americans. However, the ‘gentleman’ I mentioned above is of, obviously, non-native origin. I won’t say what ethnicity he is, but let’s just say you wouldn’t find him eating biscuits and gravy for breakfast in his country.

   Now before all you spastic liberals out there go epileptic on me, I’m not a racist. Not in the least. I believe all ethnicities that are American citizens have full and equal rights to…well, rights, here in this great land of milk and honey. And if the gentleman to my left, is a U.S. citizen, then he should have all those rights too. He may very well be. If he is, he has decided to present himself with the sartorial covering of his native country instead of that’a yer typ’cal ‘merikin. But again, if he is an American, a true and legal American, then he has the right to do as he wishes. I suppose he also has the right to take his shoes off, sprawl out on the sofa and go to sleep in a crowded café, as he is doing at this very minute. Although it’s not something most Americans would do–at least most Americans who’s major street vehicle isn’t a shopping cart. But of course, here he is, head on one armrest, feet on the other, out like Dennis Kucinich.

   Now I don’t really fault the guy, seriously, I don’t. Perhaps in his country, they have no social aversion to sleeping on a public couch with a room full of book babes and latte lappers.

   I don’t know.

   Maybe in his country, it’s common to see someone walk into a coffee house or sandwich shop, stretch, yawn, slip into their jammies, and snuggle in for the night. I know that many other countries have different customs and cultural attitudes. No surprise that we find a number of them strange and hard to comprehend. We eat french-fries dipped in ketchup, they eat yak eyeballs dipped in pig’s blood. Just different ways, different, um…tastes.

   So let’s chalk his public slumbering habits up to a lack of understanding of the ways of the west. I can relate. I mean, if I came from some third world country, I probably wouldn’t even think of sending my steak back.

Sure, we have it far too good here; I’ll be the first to admit it. But, unlike Jane Fonda, Barbara Streisand, and Bill Maher, I’m not willing to give up all the luxuries that I’ve worked so hard to steal.

For hundreds of years, someone had to kick a lot of foreign ass, both white and black, and all shades in between, so that I could enjoy the freedom to vote for E!’s hottest Hollywood star, worship any being I want to, be it Paris Hilton or Princess Diana, and have the second amendment right to carry a gun…as long as it can’t hurt anyone, ever, even if I point it fully loaded at a rapist and pull the trigger.

I don’t participate in elections, I have no idea who the secretary of state or the speaker of the house is, but dammit, I know my rights!

Actually, I’m kidding. I don’t know my rights. But I bet I have some. And I bet they don’t include sleeping on a damn sofa in a coffee house while guys are hard at work trying to pick up chicks.

My only point is this. Yes. Very yes…YES and a half! America is superior to any other country out there. We know it, they know it, and so does this idiot hogging the couch to my left. No one will admit it, not even us! But we all know it. After all, where else can millionaires tell middle income-airs that if they would just stop wasting their money on frivolous luxuries like SUV’s and light bulbs, we wouldn’t have to watch the world end in ten years.

I’m normally not a bitter, vengeful person, but just you wait. The next time I’m in his country, I’m not going to put the cup back after using the men’s shrub.

That’ll show ‘em.

 

Keck