Ok. I’m a guy, sure. Some have even accused me–accused, mind you–of being too aggressive, belligerent, pushy, forceful, hyper-intelligent…well, ok, a smart ass. Anyway, what’s with these people that go to Chinese restaurants and eat with chopsticks? Have you ever tried to eat with chopsticks? It’s friggin ridiculous! But these yuppies that actually use the damn things are good with them. What does that tell you? It tells you that they have practiced with them. That’s scary.

   Now, picture it: Your sitting there, tiny little three stringed instruments are being played, piped in over the sound system. You’ve got a plate six inches high with Sesame Chicken, Curry Chicken, Mandarin Chicken, Garlic Chicken, Chicken Cow Mien, two chicken egg rolls, and french-fries. All this splendor, just waiting there for you. You’re ready to exercise your God given right of American, over-indulgent…well, indulgence. You go to grab your fork, but wait! “Ah, yes,” you say to yourself. “Let me try to eat all this with two sticks instead.” What kind of sick bastard does that? Aaaaaannnnndddd, what kind of hatchet murderer, psycho, tighty-whitey, tyrannical communist continues using them over and over again, until he gets to where he can manipulate the pencil shaped rods good enough to finish a meal before the place closes? Someone you don’t want near your daughter, that’s who.

   So the main question is, why do they do it? What are they trying to prove? Do they think people will look at them and say, Wow–now there’s someone who can eat with sticks! Have you ever seen the Chinese people who work at those restaurants eating on their break? You guessed it…forks.

   So lets now examine the crazier, more deeply disturbed of the group. It’s one thing to pick up the sticks instead of the fork; we have indeed, a mentally imbalanced stalker in the making, no doubt. But when I think about one of the wackos that actually asks the waitress for a set of chopsticks, well…I shudder. At most Chinese restaurants, they don’t even have them on the table.

   “Excuse me…”

   “Yes?”

   “Could I get some chopsticks, please?”

   “Chopsticks?”

   “Yes, chopsticks.”

   “Sure,” says the kind and smiling Asian girl in her eastern way of always accommodating the customer. Then, as she turns away she rolls her eyes, thinking, “Idiot.”

   I need to check with the serving staff. I just know I’m right on this.

   Now we come to the really, really, REALLY terrifying and, I have to say, dangerous, group of them all. I have to warn you, what you are about to hear is true. There are those…hold on a moment……………………………………………………………

ok, I’m back. Just had to make sure my door was locked. There are those–and I don’t blame you for being skeptical, but I’ve actually witnessed this phenomenon with my very own eyes. There are those within the genus known as, chopstickae usus insaniteus. They’re the ones that bring with them, no joke, a personal set of chopsticks that they use whenever they partake in the cuisine of the orient. Some of them even have a set custom made. These are the ones to watch out for. They’ll cut you. They sometimes wear black turtleneck sweaters, so keep your eyes open.

   Well, I guess it takes all kinds of people to make the world an interesting place. But I really would like to ask these people why they, as twentieth century Americans are using sixth century utensils at an all you can eat Chinese buffet that costs $6.49. I really would like to know. But I’ll never ask. I fear the answer…especially from the ones that bring their own–you know, the custom made freaks, with their name embossed in gold on each one? I’m afraid she would smile at me sweetly, give me a genuine patronizing look, then plunge the damn thing straight into my forehead.

   Next time you’re out at the ‘Taste of the East’ or ‘The Golden Orient’ or whatever, see if you can spot them. But be careful…and make sure you’re carrying.

 

   Keck