An Interesting Species

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

$Well, here I am again, at Hasting's, warming myself by the environmentally friendly (fake) fireplace and thanking God that I have so many wonderful people around me to make fun of, ridicule, and otherwise deride with that disgustingly self-righteous hauteur that I am so full of, as those who love me have so often taken the time to mention. Actually, I don't really like to make fun of people, but there are so many that seem to be just begging for it. Like the guy at the next table in the faded Levi's, motorcycle boots, black turtle neck sweater and matching Ascot wool cap. Sure, it's twenty degrees out, but I mean, come on. Is he auditioning for a John Waters movie? The man actually has a purse with him. Usually, you have to go to a community theatre production of The Vagina Monologues to find this guy. Then of course there's the college kid with the prison issue pants, a cozy white cardigan he apparently borrowed from his grandmother, and sporting a very nice pair of house shoes with no socks. Did I mention it's twenty degrees out? A lot of people seem to...hold on...I just looked up at the television tuned to Fox News and accidentally caught a glimpse of Dennis Kucinich – give me a moment. Okay – no, I'm alright, really. Whew! That was close. Anyway, a lot of people seem to think they have the right to dress any way they want. Well, I suppose they do. But should they? Shouldn't we have some sort of statute, some set of laws or sartorial policies in place so that those of us innocent bystanders just trying to mind our own business don't have to suffer from second-hand schmultz? Now I don't mean we need to be cruel about it, but we do need to be firm. You too could be at risk. Something needs to be done. Like for instance. Make the guy with the Amish style beard that runs along his chin and jaw line only either grow a damn mustache, or stick to the horse plow and barn raising locale. I think a $250.00 fine would be sufficient for that particular infraction. Or how about the six foot five guy, painfully skinny, all in black, with the thirty piercings in his face. My gosh, every time he looks in my direction my watch stops. He should have to wear a veil, or face North, or something. Judgement – $500.00 and two weeks community service. Just saw a man wearing black tights – I mean the chick, stretchy kind – tucked into black silver studded cowboy boots, a long sleeved pull over shirt that doesn't quite reach his pant line, and to top it off – I'm guessing as an accessory – he has a lovely and delicate white cotton shall thrown over his shoulders. And naturally, he's bald with a ponytail. I think a stiff fine plus thirty days would be in order. We also need to do something fairly aggressive about the hairy jock who has the jeans with the fist-sized hole in the back and no underwear on (women of course are exempt form this violation). Six months hard labor in county, minimum. But I think the worst is the balding, fifty-eight year old college professor with the earring and sandals, clad in a tweed sport coat and Grateful Dead T-shirt using the word 'dude' in every sentence. I'm afraid lethal injection is the only remedy for this one. Yes, we humans are an interesting lot. It's strange how we...uh-oh, looked at the TV again. Henry Waxman, this time – I'm outta' here. Keck$

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