No Savage Maples

No Savage Maples

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

If you've read my column, Savage Sirens and Sugar Maples, this week's column will help you. And if you haven't, you need to. What follows may not make much sense without it.
With regard to the rubric delineating the fairer sex, I've had many people – women – tell me that they consider themselves to be a "Savage Maple," or a "Sugar Siren," or a "Maple Savage," or any other mistaken amalgam of the two species of women noted above. As the inventor and sole proprietor of the term, let me say as kindly as possible – Stop with the mix-n-match! There is no combination, period; no forty percent one and sixty percent the other, and any such attempt to join the two categories is dangerous for the non-professional. There are only Sugar Maples and Savage Sirens, that's all…end of story.
Now I do understand those of you who feel that you are a little bit of both. But trust me, you are not!
See ladies, it's not that you wear a lot of make-up, or that you buy stupid things, or that you get mad a lot, or that you cry when you get frustrated. You all do that at one time or another. It's not that you chew your husband or boyfriend out for spilling wine on your favorite silk dress. You all do that too. It has to do, really, with your base nature, you core being. It's who you are. You are either a Siren, or a Maple. As I've said before, there is some Sugar in a Siren, and some Savage in a Maple. But if you're a Maple, you're a Maple, and if you're a Siren, you're a Siren.
I had one woman tell me, "Oh come on, all women would be happy to be called a Sugar Maple." This from, of course, a Sugar Maple. She went on to say, "And no woman would want to be called a Savage Siren."
Not so.
Many a Savage Siren are more that satisfied with the Moniker. They even like it. They wear it like badge of honor. They're proud of it. The only ones that aren't are Sugar Maples.
The Sirens see the Maples as linguini spined, under a guy's thumb, weaklings. On the other hand, a Maple would consider a Siren as a 'Bitch on wheels' man-beater, battle-ax, who feels the need to compete with men out of an inadequate femininity. They're both a little right, and a little wrong.
But let me not digress.
My whole point here is that the Savage Siren and the Sugar Maple have either female characteristic in the blood. It's deeply ingrained in the primordial cerebral soup. It's a fixed strain, linked into the DNA, whichever one they be. They can't change it. It's just there.
A brown-eyed woman can put on blue contact lenses, but she's still a brown-eyed woman with blue contacts. Same goes for the Siren or the Maple. Now, I don't like blue eyes over brown eyes, or green eyes over hazel eyes, or any one-color eyes over any other color eyes. It all depends on the eyes. Some can be beautiful or not, some can be sexy or not, and color has little to do with it (I guess, since I'm color blind, that analogy is kind of stupid. Okay, fine. But you get the picture).
In summation: Ladies, turn those sexy Savage eyes, and those sweet Sugar ears to your humble but sometimes haughty hunk, your host, Joe Keck, and trust what I say. You are either a Savage Siren or a Sugar Maple, and nary the twain shall meet.
And God help me, but I absolutely adore you both.

Keck