An Interesting Species

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

$Well, here I am again, at Hasting's, warming myself by the environmentally friendly (fake) fireplace and thanking God that I have so many wonderful people around me to make fun of, ridicule, and otherwise deride with that disgustingly self-righteous hauteur that I am so well known for, as those who love me have so often taken the time to mention. Now, I don't particularly like to make fun of people ... okay, I do, but there are so many out there that seem to be just begging for it. Like the guy at the next table in the faded Levi's, motorcycle boots, black turtle neck sweater and matching Ascot wool cap. Sure, it's twenty degrees out, but I mean, come on. Is he auditioning for a John Waters movie? The man actually has a purse with him, I kid you not. Usually, you have to go to a community theatre production of The Vagina Monologues to find this guy. Then of course there's the college kid with the prison issue pants, a cozy white cardigan he apparently borrowed from his grandmother, and sporting a very nice pair of house shoes with no socks. Did I mention it's twenty degrees out? A lot of people seem to ... wait ... hold on ... I just looked up at the television tuned to Fox News and accidentally caught a glimpse of Dennis Kucinich – give me a moment. Okay – no, I'm alright now, really. Whew! That was close. Anyway, a lot of people seem to think they have the right to dress any way they want. Well, I suppose they do. But should they? Shouldn't we have some sort of statute, some set of laws or sartorial policies in place so that those of us innocent bystanders just trying to mind our own business don't have to suffer from all that disgusting second-hand schmaltz? Now I don't mean we need to be cruel about it, but we should be firm. You too, could be at risk. Something needs to be done. Like for instance. Make the guy in the camouflage Army jacket with the three inch long Amish style beard that runs along his chin and jaw line only either grow a damn mustache, or stick to the horse plow and barn raising locale. I suppose a hundred dollar fine would be sufficient for that particular infraction. Or how about the six-foot-five guy, painfully skinny, all in black, with the thirty piercings in his face. My gosh, every time he looks in my direction my watch stops. He should have to wear a lead veil, or face North, or something. Judgment: Two hundred and fifty dollars, plus two weeks community service. Just saw a man in black tights – I mean the girly, stretchy kind –black, silver studded cowboy boots pulled up over them, a long sleeved Dacron pull over shirt that doesn't quite reach his belt line, and to top it off – I'm guessing as an accessory – he has a lovely, white cotton shall with fringe thrown over his shoulders. And naturally, he's bald with a ponytail. We may have to go to the mattresses on this one. Judgment: I think five hundred dollars and thirty days would be in order here. We also need to do something fairly aggressive about the hairy jock who has the jeans with the fist-sized hole in the back of them and no underwear on (women of course are exempt form this violation). I'm sorry, a thousand bucks and six months hard labor in county – minimum! But I think the worst is the balding, sixty-four year old college philosophy professor wearing sandals, an earring, tweed sport coat over a Grateful Dead T-shirt, holding a spiced chai tea and using the word 'dude' in every other sentence. Yeah, I have to agree: Lethal injection. Really. It's for his own good as well as ours. Yes, we humans are an interesting lot. It's strange how we ... uh-oh ... looked at the TV again. Henry Waxman, this time. I'm outta' here. Keck$

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