Panties

Panties

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Now hold on, don't get your own under garments in a bunch. This isn't some salacious and vulgar, perverted, high fiving, mind in the gutter, guy thing. I'm serious. I want to lodge a complaint. It has to do with underwear...women's underwear, and women, to be specific.
I was helping a friend of mine do a little work on some women's dorm rooms at a college. He's a contractor and we were doing a little repair on the walls. There were no students in residence at the time because school was out for some reason or other, that is, except for this plump little honey that was keeping watch on the place, getting it ready for those that will be returning for the semester, I don't know, something. Regardless, she was there, for whatever reason.
She seemed nice and was very sweet. She sat in the lobby watching TV the whole time we were working, which I'm thankful for; I hate to be bothered when I'm working.
Anyway, I got thirsty. I had a Coke cup but the ice had long since melted. I wanted some cold water, so I went in to where she was expanding her mind with the chick channel, Lifetime, and asked if there was an ice machine somewhere in the building.
"Hold on, I'll check," was her sweet, smiling reply as she got up and headed to the kitchen. It was only a few steps away, so I followed her, and as any self-respecting testosteronic American male would, I let my eyes linger on her most voluptuous asset (such pendulous feminine rhythm still fascinates the hell out of me).
Then something else caught my eye.
She was wearing a T-shirt and Levi's. Nothing special about the pants, just faded, well-worn and comfortable looking jeans. However, I suddenly noticed something; they were cut low. Very low. Damned low! The waist of those things were so low, that as she walked, I could see her – her...(gulp)...panties. They had colorful little circles, kind of like little bull's eyes, all over them. There wasn't much showing, only about an inch all the way across, but that was enough.
Four hours later (well, maybe it was four seconds), when we got to the kitchen and saw not even a refrigerator, she spun around and said with a bright and cheery grin, "Nope, sorry. No ice."
To wit, I replied, "Egklhbf, ufgmpr...(ahem), okay."
She probably thought I was on some work release program from the institution for the mentally impaired. I tried to appear unaffected, I really did. But come on, they were panties – warm, visible, undulating, flesh-filled panties. I smiled, gave her a polite nod, and stumbled back to work.
Women don't seem to understand the problem. To them, panties are either cute or sexy or comfortable or pretty, or a whole host of other names they may give to their...unmentionables. But to guys, at least guys like me, they are no less than mind blowing.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Isn't this guy supposed to be a Christian? Yes, I am a Christian. God gave me his grace. He gave me forgiveness. He gave me salvation. He also gave me a libido. And when I see a pair of panties, it tends to send me over the edge...especially when they are full to the brim with woman (and my sense of sight isn't nearly as explosive as a couple of other senses I could name).
So ladies, I'm asking you – no, I'm begging you. Please! Keep those things under cover, as they should be. Thrust me, you'll be helping me, and countless other men, see you as something more than simply a savory, delicious, edible prey. You might even be helping a poor, weak, depraved Christian like myself stay on the rickety road of righteousness.
As for the young lady mentioned above, I think she might have figured out what I'd been looking at. The next day, she had on the same jeans as the day before. And just like the day before, she sat alone in the lobby, watching more of those intellectually invigorating sitcoms. As I walked behind her on my way to where I was working, I saw her lean forward and pull her sexy little self up from the couch, only this time, when she did, lo and behold, I couldn't see her panties at all...because she wasn't wearing any!
Lord have mercy.

Keck