Chicks And Horror Movies

Chicks And Horror Movies

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Women. Damn! Can't live with 'em, can't cut 'em up into little pieces and send them to the twelve tribes of Israel. But enough romance talk, let's get to the real stuff.
October is here and you know what that means, boys and girls...that's right, the Fifth Annual Keck Horror Festival. Wait. It might be the sixth annual... the fourth maybe...no, I was right, it is the Fifth Annual Keck Horror Festival...I think.
Anyway, it's upon us and I know all you ladies and gents are enjoying all those sumptuous, scintillating scary films that make your blood race through your veins. Especially you ladies. Especially you single ladies. Especially you single ladies who live alone, in a big dark house or apartment, all by yourself, no man there with you at midnight when you're laying in bed and hear some strange noise downstairs that you've never heard before. I'm sure you just figure it's only the house settling. So naturally, you simply turn over and go back to sleep, slumbering soundly without a care, dreaming of Elysian Fields with tanned, muscular men in leather and six-figure checkbooks.
Ah yes, those great late night horror movies.
But I jest.
That's one of the differences between the sexes. Men can watch a horror movie late at night by themselves. Women can't. Our fair sisters are not given to late night liaisons with midnight monster movies.
A female friend of mine called me one night and asked what I was doing.
"Watching a movie," I said.
"What movie?"
"Dawn of the dead."
"Dawn of the dead?" she said, almost shrieking.
"Yeah, so...?"
"So, that's a horror movie, isn't it?" she asked in an incredulous tone.
"Yeah, so?" I said, having no idea what she was so animated about.
"It's eleven o'clock at night! I mean...you live alone, don't you?"
"What, is this a joke? So it's eleven o'clock, so I live alone, what's your point?"
"Well," she said, pausing a moment. "It's just that there's no way a chick would ever watch a horror movie by herself, late at night."
"Well," I said, not entirely agreeing with her. "Surely some chicks would, maybe you wouldn't, but –"
"No, no way," she said with total confidence. "No woman in the world would ever, ever watch a horror movie at night unless she had someone there with her."
"Really?" I said, genuinely curious at this new revelation of the feminine dynamic. "I would think most women would have a lock on the door, so– "
"I don't care. She still wouldn't."
I found this quite interesting. After a moment of contemplation, and a subsequent brilliant point I came up with to destroy her argument, I said, "A gun! Yes, there you go. If she had a gun then she wouldn't be–"
"Doesn't matter. Not gonna' happen."
Another moment of contemplation. I didn't know how to answer her. Right from the start it wasn't a fair fight because whenever a man engages a woman in an intellectual battle for supremacy, he automatically loses because a woman always has the unique advantage of having a woman arguing for her, even if the woman arguing for her is herself. So, I came up with another brilliant point that only a guy could come up with, off the cuff, that is.
"Alright," I said, "I'll have to get back to you on that."
But it's true. I've checked it with several women. Apparently, the sweet and delicate little members of the gentler sex are a bit squeamish when it comes to films of fright. Oh, they're fine if a guy's there, or it's mid-day or afternoon. No problem then, or so I'm told.
They can even handle it if they have a bunch of girlfriends over for the night, chugging down popcorn and pizza, as they snuggle under a big blanket, hugging and cuddling close together in knee socks and nighties...ahem, uh, easy boy, focus, FOCUS! (sorry, testosterone surge. I'm back now).
Anyway, they do have this thing about late night lone liaisons with horror movies. Not so with us. No guy in the world would ever not watch a horror movie just because he was alone, no matter how late it was.
So you see? They need us after all.
As one, somewhat tarnished, single woman noted, "We need men. Who else is going move appliances and kill spiders for us?"
But keep in mind guys, we need them too. We need their protective abilities just like they need ours. There are certain things we would never watch alone in the blackness of night. No guy would ever watch a romance movie, late at night, all alone, by himself, in all that empty and disquieting darkness. The Titanic sent me to a suicide hotline and I'm still having problems (I did get the therapist chick's phone number, though).
Talk about scary?
Believe me, if a guy watched a romance movie by himself in the middle of a dark empty house, he'd be up all night, sweating it out.
I shudder to think.
Of course, as I said, if he had a woman there with him to help him through the really terrifying parts, well...that's different. He'd probably be okay then.
However, depending on the woman and her tears-to-alcohol level factored in with his ability to fake sincerity, he might still be up all night.

Keck