Ok, ok, I’m sorry. I guess you noticed that there was no column last week. I owe a sincere apology to all my adoring fans who missed my coveted and anticipated weekly mental meanderings, and I mean all two of you. I’ve got some things I’m working on and it’s taking a bit of my time away. Nothing to do with writing, but important nonetheless.

   But enough of these flimsy excuses.

   This is going to be short because I’m tired and I want to get home to watch a movie. I bought seven last week because they had a buy two, get the third one free, sale at this book/video store. I frequent. So, I only have time for another Keck line.

   Usually, I don’t eat breakfast, at least not a conventional breakfast. As a rule, I drop two eggs and some heavy whipping crème into a blender and add my protein powder, then mix it all in a blender. The powder is genuine French vanilla flavored and more than sweet enough, basically a non-frozen shake. It’s really delicious. Well, I go through the ritual as I do every morning. No problem right? I mean, it’s the same thing: Pour the crème in, drop the eggs in, spoon the powder in. Simple. Well, not if you’re me. I get it all blended nicely then tip my thick and tasty breakfast drink up and, in usual Keck fashion, start gulping down like a sailor on leave…mmmmm, yummy.

   You know, I can do things over and over again, exactly the same way every time, like an automated machine, then for no reason whatsoever, bam! I leave something out.

   About halfway through the glass I notice something…my gag reflex has kicked into full gear, and my vision is getting blurry. Now keep in mind, this stuff is like Elmer Glue. It coats, it soothes, it wallpaper-pastes itself to your throat. I’m wondering what’s wrong. I seeing my life flash before my eyes. For some strange reason, this doesn’t taste like genuine French vanilla. It tastes like genuine French sweat. I almost lost it right there. Of the three ingredients necessary to create this wonderful and flavorful healthy drink–eggs, heavy crème, and vanilla protein powder–which one did Keck forget to add? You guessed it–the vanilla powder. I’m drinking whipped raw eggs and crème.

   Now, as just such a time, Nietzsche comes to mind. Dull razor blades, paint thinner, a blowtorch, anything that will sear this horrid taste from my memory.

   Finally, after spitting, sputtering, coughing, and downing three full glasses of Liquid Plummer, I get my mouth and esophagus clear, my heart rate returns to normal, and I stop frantically searching for my gun.

   The moral of the story is: Whatever you do, no matter how tempting it is, and no matter how good it seems, don’t ever be me! Trust me. You won’t like it. I know I don’t.

   But in the unfortunate event that you do find yourself being me–or a facsimile thereof–don’t panic…the Keck line is open.

 

   Keck