Roughing it

Roughing it

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

So I get back from my vacation, happy about life, excited about what lies ahead in the adventures of Joe Keck, and what do you know? My electricity is off. Were they working on the power, a downed line, a busted pole ballast, you may ask. As Al Pacino said in And Justice For All…"No."
You know, you're with an electric company for three years, you come to know it, to love it, to feel its pain. You think you have a warm and reciprocal relationship with the multi-million dollar corporation, but noooooo. You miss one or six payments and right away, they cut your power off. Where's the gratitude? Where's the loyalty? Where's the juice? It aint flowing from them. What, like I can't miss a few months? I thought we were friends. Well, by damn, I decided to just take my business elsewhere.
Only problem…there is no elsewhere.
In Oklahoma, and I guess every other place in the country, electric companies own a section of the metropolis. Kind of like how Al Capone, Dutch Shultz, and all the other mobsters would divi-up a town, sharing the wealth. There's not ten or twelve different utility companies for you to go to. If you live here, this is your electric company…got it, mack? Ya's gotta' pay da' bill, see? If ya's don’t', me an vinnie, we gonna' flip ya' switch, see? If da' boss don't have da' money by de' end udda' week, we'll hafta' put out ya' lights, get me?
Okay, yes, I didn't pay my bill. No argument there. But I'm a capitalist. Where's the competition? Where's all the other electric companies I can choose from? I should have a whole bevy of utility companies that I have outstanding accounts with.
Filthy Commies.
So, bottom line…I got no lights. Luckily, my sister lives right above me, so I gave her twenty dollars to let me run an extension cord from her apartment to mine. It hasn’t been easy, but I have to admit, kind of an adventure. I got no stove, but I do have a microwave and a coffee maker. I can still watch my VHS tapes (yes, I still haven't completely switched to discs yet) and DVD's (as you know, I don't watch TV) because I run power strips, four-way plugs, other extension cords, a lot of extension cords, all in, theough, and from one another, and lamps and radios and cordless phones, all off of that one extension cord from my sister's place above. The floor of my apartment looks like an Indiana Jones movie…you know, when they removed that giant lid on top of that hill…the floor…anyway, it's full of yellow and orange lines running everywhere (don't worry, I'm a light sleeper…I'll wake up if there's a blaze).
Lighting isn't bad. I have one desk lamp, a rover with its own extension cord, and candles, a kerosene lamp, and a flashlight to help out. All in all, I can see pretty well. Being a horror writer, the candles and kerosene lamp gives a certain ambiance that I really like. So yeah, I'm good.
My only problem was showering. Cold water showers? Uh-no, 'fraid not.
I didn't want to be a bother to my sister or anyone – other than the extension line from upstairs – so I figured out a way to shower without having to bug my sister for my once a week shower. Just kidding, I shower every day. And without using my sister's shower. How did I do it?
The Solar Shower.
It's really kind of cool. They use it for camping. It's just a black plastic bag that you fill with water and set out in the sun to heat up. It takes about four hours, but it gets pretty hot. It has a nozzle and a plastic shower head that hangs from the bottom. Just suspend it from some place high, turn a valve and voila! Hot, running water. On cloudy or cold days, I run water through my coffee maker and pour it into my shower bag. Hey, you don't have to live in the woods to rough it.
The reason I didn't pay my bill is because, well, I was broke. You know, starving writer kinda' thing. But I'm moving to a new apartment anyway, so I'll take care of my electric bill then…if I have the money, that is. If not, ce'st la vie (not sure that's spelled right, but you get the idea).
So anyway, that's how I'm living for now. When I'm a famous and successful writer, I'm sure I'll look back on all this and say, "What an idiot!"

Keck